The most precious loss

I enjoy writing and like a challenge (just as well given where I am today) so this post is in response to the wordpress daily challenge. What is the most precious thing I’ve ever lost?

Well, there have been lots of losses in my life. At the time many of them felt like the end of the world, on reflection most have been survivable. Some took more tears than others. Some still bring tears. Those I write about here are just a subset, they stick in my mind as significant.

Getting burgled and losing all the video film of my son as a baby was a precious loss. It made me sad and angry at the same time. We lost a load of other, expensive stuff too but the video tape was the most important thing.  Having my clapped-out car with all my son’s baby gear inside stolen when it was our only form of transport (and we couldn’t afford to replace it) struck a blow too.  That one just made me angry. Why steal a small, unpopular, ancient car with a child’s buggy and car seat inside?  Idiots.  But looking back these were material losses, the car eventually got replaced and the insurance settled the thefts from our house.  I’m sad about the video film of my son, that couldn’t be replaced.  I have memories of him as a new baby but he won’t be able to see them.

Losing my health is a precious loss. As a fit and healthy person being unhealthy came as a shock. Dealing with a condition that guarantees death without treatment and where one of the risks of treatment is death presents an interesting dilemma.  It takes time to assimilate this kind of situation and undoubtedly losing my life would be a very precious loss (which is why treatment, despite it’s downsides, is the only option).  I want more time to finish the things I’ve started; I keep my promises and have far too many outstanding right now.  We all know health is important but often pay it little attention.  Take care with health, losing it is definitely a precious loss.

Mist in the gardenLosing three unborn babies was a truly devastating loss. Each time was a little harder than the time before. Each time caused more tears and they lasted longer.  Losing my beloved Grandmother and then my Mother (who was my Mum, my sister and my best friend all rolled into one) over the same three-year period verged on catastrophic loss.  This time, which I can only call the dark days,  left me sailing the Mary Celeste.  I was cold, empty and catatonic.  Life went on around me because that’s what happens, life goes on.  But for two or three years I was a ghost and life and I occupied extremely distant astral plains.   I have very few clear memories (except the sad ones) from this period and it’s a real shame because it’s a time when my head should be stacked full of them.   I was a new Mum with a beautiful son and so, so much to look forward to.

But I lost myself during this period.  I lost myself and for a while I was lost to other people too.  I can’t go back and change things and even if I could, I’m not sure I’d be able to deal with these events any better now than I did back then. I did what I needed to survive.  But I know out of all my losses, the annoying or the tragic, losing myself and being lost to others was the most precious thing I ever lost.