When the sky falls I want to be Bond.

This afternoon my son and I went to see Skyfall. We both enjoyed it although J thought the opening title sequence could’ve been better and I experienced vertigo during some of the Shanghai action. Overall it was a very enjoyable couple of hours and as ever watching the film prompted my strange little mind to have some strange little thoughts. The source of today’s imaginings originates from the Skyfall storyline; Commander Bond is assumed dead but manages to escape the reaper once again and is fully resurrected complete with classic good looks and an even more steely resolve to protect that which is dear to him.

For ages I’ve wanted to be reincarnated as a cat.  Now I want to be reincarnated as Bond. The reincarnation won’t be without challenges because Bond is a man and I’m not.  It will prove interesting for me because I’ve no idea what it’s like to inhabit a man’s body.  I’m guessing it performs largely the same functions as my own – grey matter storage, transport and logistics.  My present body is a rather rickety shell so there’s certainly room for improvement following resurrection.   Being reincarnated into a man’s body might be odd for me at first but I’m sure I’ll get used to it, especially when I gain a physique like Daniel Craig’s 🙂

To be certain of this decision to be Bond in my next life I needed to weigh-up a few pros and cons so here’s my analysis:

Cons:

~ I’ll be sent on dangerous covert missions in places like China, Switzerland and Russia.

~ I’ll find myself jumping from moving vehicles, running over rooftops, escaping from crocodiles, sharks, scorpions and overgrown lizards.

~ I’ll need to beware of men with white cats, false teeth, extra nipples, dodgy eyesight and allergy clinics.

~ I’ll be shot, poisoned, kicked, punched, strangled, electrocuted and stabbed, sometimes in series, often in parallel.

~ My clothes will get stained with various organic and inorganic substances on a regular basis. Note to self: start saving now as your future dry cleaning bill will be exceptionally high.

~ I’ll be a paid assassin with no qualms about shooting bad guys especially if they make me mad.  Note to self: find a training course for emotional desensitisation and cold heartedness, you’ll need it.

Pros:

~ When I get shot/poisoned/beaten up I’ll carry on through the intense pain and still be able to polish off the bad guy.

~ Gunshot and knife wounds will conveniently miss my head and vital organs.

~ My first aid kit will be stuffed full with the antidotes for every poison, a portable defibrillator, blister plasters and alkaseltzer (essential equipment for the morning after one too many martinis.)

~ Any substantial injuries from my multiple assaults, skirmishes and fisticuffs will heal quickly leaving few scars; visible scars will add character and mystique.

~ I’ll be able to play those word association and ink spot games with psychologists, a source of great mischief and much amusement. Can’t wait 🙂

~ I’ll be able to defy gravity, avoid speeding tickets, walk on some of the world’s most beautiful beaches and drink vintage champagne.

~ Every day I’ll manage to escape death’s clutches and delight in making dry humoured remarks about it.

~ I’ll have a small supply of Aston Martins and will be able to drive them way too fast along winding mountain roads without fear of my losing my driving licence or being unable to afford my insurance premiums.

I do have reservations about the paid assassin part because it sits uncomfortably with my moral and ethical standpoint, even if I’m only chasing down the bad guys. The pros of being reincarnated as Bond look very appealing though. So when the sky falls, I’m coming back as Bond. A baking, boozy Bond complete with black forest gateaux and brandy alexanders. I’ll fill the bad guys with calories instead of bullets from a carbine – it’s still not entirely ethical but at least they go out drunk and happy 😉

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11 thoughts on “When the sky falls I want to be Bond.

  1. I bet he doesn’t have to shave his legs either…. and he still looks good immediately after having the crap thrashed out of him. A few dexamethasone and I’m the beetroot girl from planet stay-puff. I’m not sure it’s all down to bravery, though there’s definitely some, but I think there’s an element of lunacy in there too just for good measure.

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  2. Tracy I love your writing and your wicked sense of humour which I’m sure must be a huge plus in coping with what you are going through. Always look forward to reading your updates.

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    • Thank you Lian. Humour is very good medicine in my view – and even if it doesn’t work for me of it brightens someone elses day thats a good thing 🙂

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  3. I am happy to read this post. Thousands of candles can be lit from your single candle. On the lighter side, keep the contact details of J. Bond producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson ready, lest you become Bond. 🙂

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    • Hmm, I’m not sure thoughts about becoming a paid assassin, even it it involves killing career criminals with calorie packed cakes and alcoholic bevarages is a good thing (they taste pretty good though so there is an upside to death by enforced gourmand-ism. Though the other benefits of becoming Bond still look very tempting.

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  4. Tracy, Bond’s got nothing on you. Your bravery and heroism are unscripted and real. Plus, even considering all of the medical costs, you’ve pulled it off on a much smaller budget than Sky Fall. I agree, thought that the Daniel Craig physique would not be so bad.

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