when I go for chemo.
Dr Honeydew: We are going to give you some expensive drugs today.
Me: Will they have side effects?
Dr Honeydew: A few.
Me: What are they?
Dr Honeydew: Well, it’s tricky. They vary from person to person. You might feel nauseaus. Or you might get ulcers, in your mouth and places. Your stomach could get upset, you know, constipation, diarrhoea, bloating, tenderness. Maybe headaches, they’re a possibility. You might vomit, could go on for a while. Your hand could swell, the rest of you might swell too. Dizziness is possible. Oh, symptoms of menopause could present. And tingling, you might get tingling. Did I already mention sickness? Night sweats. Disturbed sleep, falling asleep, sleep issues in general. Tiredness is a possibility. You may find you are breathless. Pins and needles. I mentioned the sickness didn’t I? Red. You may go red. Kind of boiled lobster colour.
Me: Anything else I should know about?
Dr Honeydew: Um, your heart might beat fast, very fast. It’s nothing to worry about.
Me: Is there anything I should worry about?
Dr Honeydew: Erm, well, uh…. stay away from crowds. And animals. Avoid raw meat, fish and eggs. No pate. Eat a pregnant woman’s diet.
Me: Is that it?
Dr Honeydew: Yes. Come back in 3 weeks. We’ll try it again and see if we can raise a few more side effects. They vary from person to person you know. Fascinating isn’t it?
Me: I agree it has an ‘F’ in it somewhere. Not sure about the ‘ascinating’ though!