Thoughts among the flowers

I love flowers.  All colours, all species, scented or unscented.  It makes me happy when I see buds on the plants outside the window because I know in a short time the garden will be awash with blooms.  I was lucky enough to receive some beautiful flowers recently so the house is surrounded by blossoms inside and out.  Flowers buoy my spirits simply by looking serene and picture-perfect, the work of Mother Nature at her very best.  If they smell nice that’s a bonus and the bouquets in the house smell delicious.

Though I am far from picture-perfect (and definitely not delicious) I remain reasonably tranquil, so much so that the newly qualified nurse who carried out my pre-op assessment was amazed at my lack of concern regarding tomorrow’s surgery.  She was a nice person, kind and empathic.  She frowned about my experiences, they corrupted her sense of right and wrong.  This happens to too many good people she said.  I reminded her cancer doesn’t stop to consider whether you’re good, bad or indifferent, it just happens and we have to get on with it.  My way of dealing with it has been to generate some space, a gap between the me who exists today and the me who went through all that crap.  The little distance I’ve created – as much as a completely different life, 4″ scar, bad joints, skin, nails and hair allow – is enough to categorise that as past.  She was inspired by my positivity and resolve.  I smiled.  I never had any other choice.

She asked if I was worried about another operation… how did I feel about a further invasion of femininity after enduring numerous procedures, major surgery and follow-up treatment for months on end.  I smiled again and laughed. At this point she might have considered I was a little insane, shrugging my shoulders like an unruly child who is yet to gain a sense of mortality and would pay it no heed when she did.  No, I am not worried and I won’t be a quivering wreck in the morning.  After all the things that have happened  there’s nothing much left to fear.

I know I should probably be just a tiny bit concerned.  Reason tells me so because there are always risks with general anaesthetic, infection and such. Surgery doesn’t bother me though – like breathing it will happen and I’ll know nothing much about it. As for femininity, it doesn’t feature as highly on my list of priorities as avoiding cancer, keeping clear of more chemo, or facing an imminent death.  With those things on my priority list femininity gets demoted into the ‘nice to have but not essential’ category.  I always knew there’d come a point in my life when my aptitude for logic and unerring pragmatism would prove useful.  Looks like I’ve finally found it.

 

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22 thoughts on “Thoughts among the flowers

  1. ”The Earth laughs in flowers’ they are such wonderful organisms. Sometimes I think that flowers write their poetry with the scent they spread. More beautiful than their form, is their fragrance.

    Hope you’re doing ok now! Lots of hugs!

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  2. Here in Canada we have numerous varieties of flowers that bloom right from early spring until late fall. Things like frost and drought can be handled by those that are equipped to deal with less-than-ideal conditions. Of course things work out best when they are cared for.
    🙂 I am not really talking about flowers at the moment.
    By now, I suppose, your medical procedure will have been completed. I am hoping that all has gone well. Once again a period of rest is ahead…

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    • Sometimes we’re lucky enough to meet people who bring dimensions to our lives that would otherwise be absent. Having a friend in Canada who is wise, well-educated and supportive has done that for me. I will always be grateful for the care and encouragement from across the ocean. Surgery is complete and rest is definitely the order of the day now.

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  3. Sending positive energy, Tracy. Glad you have your tranquility. We live in such a frantic world that anyone displaying tranquility looks insane. I love what you said about lowering femininity on your list of must haves. I’m starting to think the same about my sense of self. {{{hugs}}} to you pre and post op. Love, Kozo

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    • Thank you Kozo. Yes, staying calm and being satisfied when all around me I see frantic materialism and wanton wants is an interesting experience but one that is worth practicing I think. I am learning to live without expectations. The hardest part is letting go of the expectations (demands?) I had of myself. Practice, as they say, makes perfect. The hugs are greatly appreciated following a very long day xoxox

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    • Hello Mae, I’m sure if someone does a dot-to-dot on my stomach, arms and legs we’ll find a long-lost Picasso or map of Atlantis! I’m doing well in spite of all the extra plasters I’m covered in. Rest today, back to the garden tomorrow 🙂

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  4. I know what you mean about the things people say in regards to cancer. A lady I work with keeps telling me “You’re so brave.” Finally, I said, “Not really. It’s not as if I have a choice whether to fight this or not. I have 3 children, so I just get up and do what I have to do every day.” Here’s to an uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery!

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    • One day someone will write a book of the well-meaning but unthinking things people say and it will probably provide a good deal of humour to those who’ve heard them all but are too polite to reply (and on the whole I think most of us do just smile politely and let the comments wash over us). Surgery was not without its challenges but I’m home and back on the road to recovery. Thank you for your support, it helps a good deal.

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