I had a birthday recently. There was nothing special about it in terms of the number of candles that might adorn a cake and I didn’t do anything special except enjoy the day, but the fact that it happened was significant. The fact that as far as I can tell I’m healthy and free of cancer is definitely something to celebrate.
Just over two years ago there were no guarantees I’d see another birthday because every investigation seemed to turn up something more worrying than the last. Of course there are never any guarantees, we simply assume the years will keep rolling in and nothing terrible will happen. Then something terrible happens and with luck we wake up and realise how important every moment really is. Even the ones that seem less than awe inspiring, like a trip to the supermarket or being stuck in a traffic jam. When you think your moments may be limited you find ways to make the most of them, including traffic jams!
There have been many special moments so far this year and my birthday brought some more because my son decided that, like the queen, I should be granted a second birthday with a second card, presents and flowers. In an unexpected way it helped erase some of the difficulties of the blighted birthdays, the ones spent in hospital or recovering from surgery. During those birthdays my thoughts were centred on endurance, making my way through whatever had to be endured so that I would see him through his education and hopefully some years beyond.
There are still no guarantees, from here on there never can be but then again, there never were. What matters is that I’m here, I’m happy and I have more time to make life special for those around me. It feels a little safer to make plans, to think about what we might do to celebrate my son’s next birthday in 10 months time. That feeling is a bonus, a subtle, positive change for the better after time placed on hold, living in limbo. Cancer took away so much but it also brought new insights. I no longer let time slip through my fingers, I use it to make memories with those I hold dear. That, for me, is what life is really all about.