Sentience

Like one, that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turned round walks on,
And turns no more his head;
Because he knows, a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

    

Samuel Taylor Coleridge – The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Sailing Away

Sentience is a blessing and a curse. Some days are more cursed than others.

I didn’t watch The ‘C’ Word. I followed Lisa’s Blog but didn’t have the necessary psychological flood defences in place to watch her story played out on television. A dramatisation and by all accounts a very good one, it might be better categorised as reality TV. It reflects the harsh reality of breast cancer where life no longer comes with a happily ever after guarantee. Some people with breast cancer do not survive. Some people with breast cancer die. Some of them are very young.

Survival has been playing on my mind a lot lately because there is no rhyme or reason to it. No-one knows who among us will outpace the frightful fiend, who might be forced to endure it to the bitter end or who might find themselves facing it on more than one occasion.  This is ambiguity on anabolic steroids and uncertainty reigns supreme. In this version of reality sentience is more curse than blessing. Lately it seems for every survival story there are multiple stories of an all too early demise.

As humans with a limited time on earth we must learn a crucial lesson – never take anything for granted. Health, strength, life itself, these things can all be taken from us in the blink of an eye.  Most people don’t need to think about mortality on a daily basis and that’s probably a good thing because life would be very depressing if we did. Those of us who do think about it – a thought pattern that is almost inevitable after a life-threatening illness – probably do ourselves no favours. Worrying about our own mortality doesn’t change the final outcome. This is another scenario where sentience proves to be more of a curse than a blessing.

So what of the blessings? Feeling the sun on our skin, watching grass grow, celebrating another birthday, anniversary, Diwali or Christmas are all blessings. Walking in the park, riding a bike, reading a book, those things are blessings too because life after cancer is difficult. It throws up questions for which there are no answers and searching for answers offers no reprieve. The simple act of waking up each day is a blessing in this reality, when you have no idea how many days are yet to come.